TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR

Posted by Heather, 04/30/2012 | Leave a comment
A couple of weekends ago, I took a course for personal training and development.  One of the areas I was taking on in this course was my body (I know, shocker!).  Inside the course, I took a very surprising, and empowering action.
On Saturday morning, halfway thru the course, I gave myself an assignment.  I was going to stand in front of my full length mirror, entirely naked, take my body in, set aside any judgments or negative opinions about it, and bring wonder/acceptance/love to my body.  
I was excited.  I was nervous.  I was a little afraid.
Before I started, I thought about all of the usual thoughts that I have about my body.  As each thought came up, I set it aside.  As soon as I was sort of out of thoughts (or recycling them in new words), I stepped in front of the mirror.
As I looked in the mirror, another rush of thoughts came up.  I allowed each thought to have its moment, then set it aside.  As soon as I was out of thoughts, sort of a blank slate, I started really looking at what I was seeing in the mirror.  I brought curiosity to it, attempting to look at it with new eyes like I’d never seen it before.  I started with the “safer” zones. I noticed that I was getting that definition in the calves that people get who exercise….I hadn’t noticed that before.  Pretty cool!  Then I noticed I was starting to have some new definition show up in my upper arms & shoulders from the strength training I’ve been doing.  Also cool.  Wow.  I hadn’t noticed these new aspects to my body before.  Then I noticed my waistline was trimming, too. Nice.  
I realized that I don’t really, really look at myself much in the mirror.  I look enough to make sure a hair isn’t sticking straight up, there’s nothing in my teeth, and that my overall outfit works….but I don’t really look at my body, my entire body much.  In fact, I pretty much avoid really looking at the zone between the chest and thighs.
Ok….now the most courageous part.  Time to look at those aspects I have judged as the “worst”…between the chest and thighs.  I took it all in.  Really took it in.  I turned around and looked at my reflection.  With out any negativity, I really looked at my bum and said out loud, “Wow that is an ample backside.”  It was more an observation like how the Grand Canyon is big or the sky is really blue on a particular day.  I thought about trips to Florence and Paris where I saw paintings of women with figures similar to what I was looking at in the mirror.  Beautiful paintings with ample backsides.  Rubenesque paintings.  Wow!  People used to paint bodies like mine.  And they were considered beautiful.  
And in that moment, something shifted.  I realized that I always (even when I was “thin”), thought of myself as attractive from the chest up and legs down, but I never, ever, thought of myself as beautiful….head to toe….without exception.  There was always a “but” or an “except” or a “if only” or “someday” attached.
In that moment, I got myself as beautiful.  Just as I was.  At least one interpretation of “beauty” that works for me.  And while I was beautiful just as I was, I could also continue in my journey to be healthier and I could continue to sculpt my body …..no longer because I “had to” or “should” or because something was “wrong”….but simply because I could and that is what I choose to do.  
Go ahead, ladies.  Take a Look.  And have the audacity to LOVE what you see!
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I AM A ROCK WALL CLIMBER

Posted by Heather, 04/03/2012 | Leave a comment
I’m not sure quite what had me choose climbing a rock wall to be a way to “treat” myself while on vacation.  It’s sort of like when they ask people why they climbed a mountain and they say “because it was there”…..that’s how it occurs for me….because I had the opportunity.
 Maybe it was a chance to prove I could.  Maybe it was a chance to say to myself “you’ve healed from the accident, no more excuses”.  I’m not sure.  But I chose to climb that rock wall nonetheless.
I arrived at 9:30 a.m., excited and nervous.  There was a young, strapping lad, about 18 years old, climbing the wall.  He was climbing the hard part of the wall….the part that had him partially upside down at one point.  The coach was giving him instruction as to what and where to move next.  Encouraging him with each move.  He made it.  I let out a deep breath, not aware that I had been holding my breath watching him.  
 Now it was my turn.  The coach was about 5 inches shorter than me, smaller build, and in great shape.  Regardless of her great shape, I was a little skeptical that she could hold me if I fell.  I set that thought aside for now.  We started harnessing me up and she asked me if I had ever climbed and what I wanted out of my rock climbing session today.  “No, I’ve never climbed.  I just want to make it to the top.”
She started giving me coaching while we stood at the base of the wall.  Use my legs to climb, not my hands.  She told me to focus on placing my feet and my hands will naturally find the next hold for balance.  Keep my hips close to the wall.  Breath.  We practiced pivoting on the balls of my feet (thank you Pilates!).  Take it one step at a time, she said.  She reiterated the breathing and using my legs.  Then we practiced some commands to use while climbing.  Funny, I can’t recall what those were anymore!  Then I went up a couple of steps and “fell” off the wall to test that she could hold me.  No problem!  (really??  Cuz she was about 2/3 my weight dripping wet!!  But it held!).  
Ok.  Time to climb.  I reached up and she reminded me to use my legs, not my arms.  So I positioned my right foot on the first hold, then reached up, pushed up with my right leg and positioned my left foot.  Just like climbing a ladder.  Deep breath.  Then I looked for the hold to position my right foot, pushed on my left foot and place my right foot.  And my hands naturally found their next hold.  Another deep breath.  At times, she would tell me where to look for my next foot hold to guide my efforts.  She kept reminding me to breathe.  
About half-way up, I can feel my heart rate going.  I’m working.  And I’m working hard to use my Pilates breathing to keep my breathing under control and help support my climbing, exhaling with each “push” to the next foot hold.  3/4ths of the way up, my legs are starting to strain.  The foot holds are getting smaller.  I’m using my big toe and part of the ball of my feet to hold my entire body weight…in fact, to push my body weight to the next hold.  In spite of her telling me not to use my arms, I can feel my right forearm starting to ache.  
I’m about 4 steps from the top.  I’m stretched out like an “X”.  My breathing is hard.  My legs are starting to shake.  The next foothold for my left foot is a good 2 feet up.  I keep trying to step up to it and either missing it entirely, or not getting a good enough hold with my foot to push my body up to the next hold for my right foot.  The fact that I’m stretched out makes it even harder.  There is no flex, bend, or momentum to be gained from my current position.  I try it once.  Twice.  Three times.  Four times.  I can’t.  I can’t reach, or when I can reach, I can’t support and push my entire body up.  My legs have nothing left.  My right forearm is starting to cramp.  
“I can’t do it.” 
“Really?”  She says.  While it was just one word, I could hear in that one word that she thought I could.  I could hear that I was 4 steps from the top and she wanted me to achieve my goal, and not stop short.  And yet, because we had just met, she wasn’t sure exactly how much she could push me.  In my mind, I had already started rationalizing that I had done a good job, this was already quite an accomplishment, etc. etc.  And with her one word, I knew that I was selling myself out with those rationalizations.  
I stared at the rock wall, inches in front of my face.  “Ok”, I said to myself.  “This is it.  This is your chance to know yourself as a rock climber.  Not almost a rock wall climber.  She thinks you can do it.  It’s time”.  Then I started talking to my left leg (seriously!).  “I know you are shaking and tired.  I need everything you’ve got.  You can do this.  Give me everything for this one push.  It’s all easy from here”.  I shook out my right arm to relieve the cramping.  Deep breath. 1-2 & Big Inhale – 3 & Deep Exhale…..hard push on the left foot….pushing, pushing….leg shaking….push, push, push, push, push…..right foot on next hold, my arms grab the next hold.  I DID IT!  I DID IT!  
The next 3 steps are as easy as 1-2-3 and I’m hanging from the top of the rock wall, almost in tears.  I am a rock wall climber.   
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A NEW DEFINITION OF TREAT…..

Posted by Heather, 03/26/2012 | Leave a comment
We got a replacement treadmill recently and I am SOOOOO happy about that!!  My previous one went on the blink in the last quarter of 2011.  For me, the treadmill is a machine I can get on…and after the first 20 minutes of ANY exercise which occurs for me as a bit of a drag no matter what machine I’m on….I can pretty much stay on that thing forever.  I once watched an entire movie on the treadmill.  Seriously.  
 The treadmill arrived, got set up in the room, and I couldn’t wait to try out the new bells & whistles on this thing!  I worked out the next day, Saturday, and LOVED it!  There were still features I needed to play with, so I thought about working out on Sunday, too. 
Here’s the thing about Sunday:  Other than walking the dog, I RARELY work out on Sunday.  And I thought to myself….why is that?  
As a child, we always went to church on Sunday morning.  Then there was usually some sort of socializing after the service.  We’d go home.  There might be a Vikings game or a Twins game to watch in the afternoon or something.  Then I would go to Youth Group on Sunday nights.  If we went up to the cabin (a virtual requirement of Minnesota upbringing), it was pretty much the same except for adding in some project work, playing in the water, then packing up to go home.  If Sunday’s were supposed to be a “day of rest”, they certainly weren’t at our house!  Yet physical activity only sparingly made its way into our Sunday repertoire.
So even though our routine is different than the one I had as a child and teenager, I realized I just had a perspective that Sundays were not for exercise.  
Fair enough.  Yet I knew there was something more.  I treat Sundays as my “day of rest”.  Most other days of the week, I’ve got full days of work, full evenings of leading seminars, coaching people, or charity work.  Friday nights are date night with the hubby.  Saturdays are usually packed with some sort of socializing (like pool days with friends & family in the summer!).  Sundays are the one day of the week where I generally don’t make plans.  I use it as my refuel day.  My day of rest.  I treat myself to waking up without an alarm and lollygagging in bed, reading material of very little substance while my husband shares various articles from the StarTribune.  Sundays are my day of the week where I don’t “have” to do anything.  I treat myself.  Then I got it:  exercise does not occur for me as a treat to myself, my body.  It’s work.  So of course it wouldn’t take place on the day I treat myself and rest.
So what if I changed exercise from being work into a treat?  What if Sundays were the one day of the week where my exercise time wasn’t limited by the next thing on the schedule I needed to get to….but the day when I actually could watch an entire movie on the treadmill, if I so wanted?  A day I could take my time stretching on the reformer, enter my own world of taking-care-of-heather-ness when I go into my workout room?
Dictionary.com defines treat as “anything that affords particular pleasure or enjoyment”.  Definitely, exercise has not been defined as that in my mind!  But what if I changed my definition and it became a way to afford pleasure and enjoyment?
Then I thought about my upcoming vacation.  When I think about vacation time, I’ll think about relaxing, great spots to eat, definitely plan on a massage, maybe taking in local sites or a show….but rarely do I think about treating myself on vacation to…. exercise.  I’ve done it, sure.  But it still is like I’m being a super trooper to exercise on vacation (even though I always feel better afterwards!) instead of exercising being one the ways I pamper and take care of myself when all that is really on my itinerary is to ….well….pamper and take care of myself!
So I went on line and, voila, the place we are staying has one of the best fitness spas in the country.  Go Figure!  Who knew?  How funny that I booked the place and didn’t even know they had these great health facilities (but I DID know I could get a great massage, they had awesome restaurants, and great pools)!  So I took an unusual step:  I booked time with a personal trainer AND a rock-climbing session.  As a treat.  In addition to the massage.  
I’m in the process of redefining what it means to treat myself.  I’ve seen two places where this could really make a difference:  Sundays and vacation. And we haven’t even gotten to my ideas around treating myself to food, shopping, etc.  But it’s a start.  And I’m kind of excited how its already molding my Sundays and my vacation into something new, something fresh.  

Where can you redefine what it means to treat yourself?  Please share!

 Postscript:  I went on vacation, I worked out 5 of the 8 days we were there….and I climbed that ROCK WALL!  Photos attached and details forthcoming in my next blog post!
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AN ONGOING DIALOGUE…..

Posted by Heather, 03/05/2012 | Leave a comment
So I’ve been back on track with my weight loss journey, losing a pound each of the past couple of weeks, gaining strength in my workouts with my trainer, and increasing my endurance during cardio sessions. It all feels great! 
As I was in my workout room the other day, my eye caught a calendar that I’ve had for quite awhile.  Since 2007, to be exact.  It is the original Calendar Girls calendar.  Do you recall that movie?   It starred Helen Mirren (before The Queen!) and was based on a true story of a group of English women who produced a nude calendar (though strategically covered private parts) to raise money for Leukaemia Research as part of the Women’s Institutes.  And let’s be clear, they were your everyday sort of women in the 50+ range.  I got inspired by the idea of these everyday women feeling comfortable enough; bold enough…brave enough…to go outside of their comfort zones and demonstrate an appreciation of their bodies for exactly what they were.  I ordered one of the real calendars in 2007 and put it in my workout room as a reminder to love my body…just as it is, and just as it isn’t.
So as my eye caught this calendar, something occurred to me:  That was 5 years ago.  5 years.  And I’m not sure I’m any further on that love and appreciation of my body….just as it is, and just as it isn’t….than I was when I first got that calendar.  Regardless of what a scale says or what size my clothes are.  Too much, too often, it’s about “someday” having that appreciation….like the allusive carrot that I’ve been chasing for at least 5 years (cuz let’s face it, that carrot chasing started well before I got that calendar!) !
That is a LONG TIME to have that looped tape going on in my life.  And it was a pretty good reality check to have that calendar dated 2007 in front of me.  
I paged thru the calendar.  They are real women.  Some with silver hair.  Some with some Renaissance rolls in their flesh.  Some with wrinkles.  One woman wearing reading glasses.  Some thinner.  Some not.  And yet the way each and every one of these women occurred to me was Beautiful.  Brave.  Loving.  Audacious.  Honoring.  Serene.  Maybe they didn’t feel like that as the shot was being taken….or maybe they did….but for me, that was how they looked to me.
Women come in all shapes and sizes…and we all have a beauty to display.  Maybe we won’t necessarily do it nude, but are we willing to set the long-running dialogues and tapes aside about what we aren’t or what we will be “someday”, and show our beauty?  Today?  Now?  This moment?  That would be Brave.  And Beautiful.  And Loving, & Audacious.  
What can we celebrate now?  
Me?  I’m celebrating my vulnerability that I share with my blog.  And I’m going to celebrate my body coming back, rebuilding its strength and endurance….and what a marvel that is…and what a blessing that I can. 
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WHAT, ME TIRED??

Posted by Heather, 02/10/2012 | 1 Comment
Last week, I had a full couple of days of meetings (pretty typical for me), when I became aware of some meetings taking place in India that I needed to attend.  I tried to move what I could from my calendar, and yet the reality was that I was going to be working 2:30 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. one day and 3:30 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. the next day.  
Here is what I know about how I manage my health and well-being on long days like this:  I usually forego a workout cuz, well, I’m tired and I have a long day ahead of me.  I usually triple up on the caffeine throughout the day.  And I usually eat a lot of sugar, more quantity of food, and more often on days like this to “keep my energy up”.  
Given my move forward approach for 2012 and my work to gain some momentum again in my weight loss journey, I said to myself, “it’s not going that way”.  
First thing:  I went and got some healthy breakfast, snacks, and lunch in preparation for these 2 days.  So I get up my first morning….and it was rough getting up that early.  While my dietician suggests eating within the first hour of getting up, I gotta tell ya, I just couldn’t do it.  My stomach just screamed no!  So after an hour, I had a hot cocoa.  Then I was ready to eat and have coffee after being up about 2 hours.  Then I had another coffee.  It was 7:00 a.m. and I had an hour before my regular workday and the constant stream of emails would start pouring in.  Quiet time to catch up on some things.  About 11:00, I’m starving for lunch, but I take the time to make a healthy lunch instead of eating the first thing in sight.  So far, so good!  I kept clipping away, really focused, trying to ignore the fatigue taking over.  A handful of almonds about 2:00.  
Then it is nearing 4:00.  I need to leave at 4:30 for my personal training session.  Every part of me is saying “I’m too tired”…..but I’m just not considering it an option to NOT go!  So I go.  And I gotta say, as I’m driving there….i’m REALLY proud of myself.  This was a “justifiable” reason to not go to my workout and yet I was being unreasonable with myself.  I told my trainer what I was managing with sleep, etc.  He was really proud, too, and tailored my workout to continue to take care of my neck, engage those areas I might be holding stress, and yet get to all of the major muscle groups.  It was a good, solid workout that kept me on track towards my goals.  I felt fabulous!!
I went to bed that night ready to just fall into a very deep, needed slumber.  What I forgot was that my hubby had been dealing with some flu crud all week.  That night, of all nights, he went to sleep and, due to being sick, make absolutely inhuman sounds while he slept….not snoring in the classic sense…just really loud, rattling, uneven, awful sounds.  At 11:45 p.m., I moved to the guest room.  Are you kidding me??  I’m going to get 4 hours of sleep after this day?  I was really mad.  I was mad at him with his noises, the situation, and the lack of sleep that was to come.  Then as I laid down in the guest room and could still hear him, compassion and smile came over me….poor guy.  
I got up the next morning.  I’m not gonna lie.  It was rough!  But this time, I was able to eat within the first hour.  The calls with India ran way over their time….so I missed my pilates class that morning.  Bummed cuz I was doing so well!  At a break between meetings, I ran upstairs and did 20 minutes on my Reformer.  Energy!!  That felt good!  Again, a sense of pride came over me for not entirely letting my exercise slide!  I powered on thru my day, eating healthy, snacking lightly every 3 hours.  
About 2:00…I hit a wall.  I started looking around for caffeine.  For sugar.  For salt.  For anything to stuff in my mouth and help me get thru the last bit of my day.  I sat on the floor and did some ab work for 10 minutes instead.  Then dried fruit and a single piece of dark chocolate.  And back to work.  AWESOME!!
I logged off at 4:00 when my husband came home.  We went to catch a bite to eat and I made healthy, small serving choices.  We were back home by 6, in bed by 9 and fast asleep. 
The consciousness about how I usually manage being sleep-deprived really helped me to get thru these 2 days without derailing my efforts.  Maybe I didn’t pick up any ground in my weight loss journey over these 2 days…..yet I know that I didn’t lose any.  And sometimes, isn’t that a victory in and off itself? 
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RESTART? NAH… MOVE FORWARD!!

Posted by Heather, 01/18/2012 | 1 Comment
Refresh?  Restart?  Definitely not a New Year’s Resolution.  In fact, let’s forget the restart button.  It’s simply pushing the forward button. 
Reflecting on 2011, it was definite ups and downs.  I’m sure you say the same as you look back over the year, too!  I was making progress on my weight loss goals.  I discovered a lot about myself along the way.  Tried some new things like Zumba & paddleboarding.  Worked with a nutritionist and a personal trainer.  Lots of good stuff.
Then, I gotta admit, I allowed the car accident to really get me off my game.  Sure, physically, it was going to get me off my game.  Then again, I could have compensated my eating to account for the dramatic drop off in activity.  I could have stopped comforting myself with food.  But I didn’t do that.  And pretty much gave back the ground I had taken on the weight loss the previous 9 months. 
I got real with myself on this as I had another lump found over the holidays, during my annual check up.  And I had the thought “I’m back here again….in so many ways”.
Then I realized, I’m not back here again.  I just looped the track.  You see, to say that I’m back here again, or that I’m restarting….well, for one, it isn’t reality that we “restart” our lives or go “back” in our lives.  That just isn’t possible.  We may have things look a lot like “back when”….but it is, in reality, now. 
When Olympic runners run the marathon, they begin and end at the starting line….so does that mean they didn’t run?  Of course not.  There is a lot that happens in between their time at the starting/finishing line  So saying I was “back there” would totally negate what really happened in 2011…in all the ways I like and all the ways I wish were differently.
So I’m not back here again.  I looped the track.  And I’m moving forward….
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I’M A PADDLE BOARDER!!

Posted by Heather, 12/14/2011 | 4 Comments
Hau’oli Lanui & Mele Kalikimaka!  (Happy Holidays & Merry Christmas in Hawaiian)
I have returned from my fabulous Hawaiian vacation & anniversary trip with my husband with adventures to share. From a health & wellbeing perspective, the most interesting would be my venture into the activity known as stand up paddle boarding.  If you read People magazine (I regularly partake), you see shots all the time of celebrities like Jennifer Aniston, Laird Hamilton, Alex Rodriguez, Rihanna, Matt Damon, and Cameron Diaz trying the sport.  So I thought, why not me?  I’ll be cool, too!
An interesting thing, when you google images of paddle boarding….it is mostly really fit people in the images.  And I’ve heard it was a great workout.  Now I know why!
For beginners, the sports shack at our resort recommended a private 90 minute lesson.  I asked them the best time of day for a beginner, and they suggested first thing in the morning when the water is most likely to be at its calmest.  So I was all set for the following morning at 8:30 a.m.  
My husband then spent the next 24 hours mentioning the movie Jaws.  More specifically, he reminded me of the scene in the movie where the shark attack happens in about 3 feet of water to the boy on the little raft.  Given we had seen dolphins, whales, and sea turtles, it wouldn’t be so inconceivable that there could be sharks.  Nothing like getting my spirits up, right?  (fyi:  husband is not a water sports guy)
The following morning, Pete, my instructor, assures me that in his 25 years of surfing (he looks about 25) he has only seen 12 sharks.  I think he was lying to me, but was willing to take what he was saying at face value to give me comfort.  
For the first 20 minutes, we talked about how to fall off the board (never go head first, preferably go feet first), how to kneel on the board (there are special indents on the board and always look to the horizon), how to stand on the board (always looking at the horizon), how to stabilize myself once I am standing (tripod with the paddle and always look at the horizon), how to paddle (which direction the paddle should face and always look to the horizon), and where to enter/exit from the beach given the wave breaks.  Given that all of these required some skill and balance on the sandy beach, I was suddenly very happy with the calm, gentle waves at 8:30 a.m….and very much second guessing my ability to do this in the water.  The good news?  Given that I was never supposed to be looking down, I would never see a shark if it was going to attack me.  Ignorance is bliss.  
Pete sent me to get a big gulp of water while he readied the boards.  It wasn’t until much later I will have wished that I would have gotten a bigger gulp.
So Pete grabs my board and we head out.  At waist level, I get on my knees on the board.  My first triumph, though this is a pretty easy feat at this depth of water.  We paddle out past the breaking waves and Pete says “when you’re ready, try standing up…..looking at the horizon”.  I try.  I get half way up, wobble considerably, and then fall bum first into the water.  Now I’m in water over my head and need to get back on the board on my knees.  Let me just say, the paparazzi is being kind in only taking photos of those celebrities when they are standing on their boards, cuz it is no graceful endeavor to get up onto those boards in deeper water.  You get the wrong angle on that photo, and a celebrity could be ridiculed for weeks. 
On my second attempt, I get up.  Stand for a few seconds.  Then try to paddle and fall again.  Pete reminds me to “tripod” my feet and the paddle to stabilize myself.  I try again.  Success!  I’m standing.  I’m paddling.  Look at me, I’m paddle boarding!  Woo-hoo!  I look down to see myself doing it, like I almost can’t believe it and…I fall.  
I’m quickly learning that getting up on that darned board is much more work, and I’m now focused on staying up on the board and avoiding having to remount at all costs.  I get up.  And as I’m tripod-ing, a rainbow appears on the horizon….the very horizon I’m looking at.  Pete tells me that’s a sign, God’s way of helping me keep my eyes where they belong (cool, eh?!).  He suggests we paddle over to the rainbow so that my husband can get a good shot of me paddle boarding with the rainbow in the background.  Nothing like having a goal.  If you work at UnitedHealth Group, you are a goal oriented person.  Pete quickly picked up on this and knew just how to motivate me.     
Several times I almost fall and I said to myself, almost like a mantra, “stay on this board, stay on this board”.  With a strong look of determination and insane concentration, I did it.  As I almost made it to the rainbow, it disappeared.  And, it was time to turn around.
About the time we turn around, I notice that I’m thirsty.  Like really thirsty.  I paddle a little bit and I’m starting to feel a little nauseous.  Not like I’m really going to toss my cookies, more like how I feel when I’ve done a really aggressive workout.  And the arches of my feet are cramping from trying to grip the board with my toes.  And my core is seriously engaged to keep me balanced on the board.  Pete suggests that maybe I jump in the water to cool off.  Ah….no thanks!  I don’t want to have to get back up again, and just as I say this, I look down and fall off.   Once I’m in the water, I realize how hot I am…how dehydrated I feel (should have had more water before we started!) and that the cool water around me feels so refreshing.  Perhaps I could just float with my board the rest of the way??  No.  I’m going in on my own terms.  
So I get up one last time.  I continue paddling to the point that Pete tells me we need to get to in order to safely exit the water.  As I turn in towards shore, I see my husband on the beach with the camera….and I raise my arms in victory for THE photo shot.  I did it!  I’m a paddle boarder!  Look at me!!
Once we get to the breaking waves, I kneel down.  Then when we get to waist deep water, I get off the board.  My legs are like jelly.  Shaking.  Weak.  It is taking everything I’ve got left to walk thru that water, even with Pete carrying my board.  My face is beet red….not from sunburn, but from what I’m realizing was a really impressive workout.  And as I stretch throughout the day and wake up the following morning, I will feel achiness in arm, leg, and core muscles I clearly haven’t used in too long.   And it feels good.  It feels really good.   I can’t wait to get out on the lakes in Minnesota this coming summer. 
I’m a paddle boarder! 
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I’VE MISSED YOU!!!

Posted by Heather, 11/17/2011 | 1 Comment
It’s been awhile.  I know!  I’ve missed you all and I’ve missed sharing what I’ve been up to. 
Shortly after I did my last post, I was in a car accident.  And the circumstances of the accident were nothing exceptional, nothing extreme.  I really thought I was physically fine, but then I wasn’t.  And I’ve been on the mend ever since. 
What’s ironic is that I had just come to a place where I was dabbling in not having this chronic conversation about my weight in my life anymore.  I was focusing on eating and moving to feel good and allowing the weight and conversations with myself about what I should/shouldn’t eat and should/shouldn’t do to take care of them selves.  It was a very cool space to operate in.
Then, due to the accident, my well being overtook and became the focus of my day-to-day life.  And I gotta say, it’s not been very fun! 
So I’m getting back in the saddle again of my life and feeling a bit, well, defeated. 
I’ve got A WEEK before I leave on an anniversary trip to Hawaii (I know, you feel sorry for me, right?!).  I feel more like a slug….lumpy and untoned…..than a sassy little thing about to wear a swimsuit!  I watch shows like “The Biggest Loser” where the contestants get injuries and find exercise regimens that work around their injury to continue them on their path to a healthier life.  Or, in the past, I’ve done a cram session before a vacation (“I’ll eat really healthy and work out like a fiend for the next 3 weeks”).  And yet, neither are viable options right now.  So I feel defeated that I will be a lump, untoned mess on the beached of Hawaii.  And yet…there’s probably no better place to be a lump than in a tropical paradise!
My biggest struggle with healing has been….well….healing!   I’m not good at pacing myself, resting, saying “I can’t”…and “No”…and “This is what I need”.  And yet that is what has been needed.    
Why is it so hard to say I can’t?  Say no?  Say what I need?  Somewhere along my path of life, I decided that it’s just me and I can only count on myself.  If it was going to happen, it was my job to make it happen.  Can’t just wasn’t an option.  And so when I really can’t, I’m not very skilled at saying that.  I’m not great at allowing people to contribute to me (except my hubby…who has been a saint thru this!)  I SO appreciate people expressing concern or asking how I’m doing, yet at the same time, I’m embarrassed!  I’m embarrassed with the attention and with the open knowledge that I’m somehow “less than” my usual self.   
And I’ll also be honest in that I’ve dealt with some people who have surprised me in an unfortunate way.  They may say the right thing, and then in the next breath it’s like we didn’t even have the conversation about my accident.  I don’t hold it against them; it’s not their circumstances to deal with.  I’ve probably not been very connected to what has been going on in their world, either! 
Miraculously (or not!), my recovery has started moving with greater speed and effectiveness when I gave myself the grace, the compassion, and the space to say “I can’t”….and “No”….and “This is what I need”.  And it sorta doesn’t matter whether other people “get it” or not.  It’s been freeing to do what I need to do to take care of myself!  (probably a life lesson, there, right?)  It’s easier for me to work from home because I can rest if needed during the day…and my job at UnitedHealth Group has the flexibility to allow me to work from home.  And when I’ve come into the office, I’ve even laid down in my office for quick relief.  And while I feel goofy in the moment, and people have walked into my office and quoted “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” from some info-mercial, I just do what I gotta do!  And the more I do that, the better I’m feeling!
So…I’m doing what I need to do.  And it feels good.  Please know that I’ve missed you all this past month and I promise to stay in touch more regularly going forward (although not when I’m in Hawaii!….sorry!)  :-)
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UNHEALTHY EATING IN ITS MANY FORMS…

Posted by Heather, 09/23/2011 | Leave a comment
I was on a recent business trip that involved LONG travel times and had an opportunity to read Unbearable Lightness:  A Story of Loss and Gain by Portia De Rossi (Atria Books, November 2010).  I had read reviews about the book that said this wasn’t your typical celebrity autobiography, that it was well-written, honest, vulnerable…and a worthy read.  I have to say, I agree.  
Now many of you may wonder why someone who is overweight would find a book about someone’s journey into anorexia an interesting read.  To be honest, I wasn’t sure it would be.  I wasn’t sure I could relate to her.  I’ve never been one to starve myself, or to control my eating so stringently.  And it’s never occurred to me to spend hours upon hours, day after day, exercising.  My behaviors were quite the opposite.  What was fascinating, though, was how insightfully she shared her own insights into the thought process behind the behaviors I was so unfamiliar with.  Portia (we are on a first name basis, now) shared her thoughts of unworthiness and being uncomfortable in her own skin.  She shared, and really demonstrated in her writing, the undue focus on her body.  How she used food…and lack of food…as a means to stuff her feelings.  And she shared how her worst thoughts about herself, her worst concerns, would be mirrored and reinforced externally, no matter how well meaning a comment may be.   
Towards the end of the book, though, Portia looks at unhealthy eating and unhealthy attitudes about food….no matter to what extreme.  This is where it got quite personal for me.  
Several weeks ago, I talked about “what would it be like if my weight were just no longer a conversation for me”….a thought I couldn’t imagine, but a space I’ve been attempting to live in and explore the past month.  I’ve found that I like giving up that conversation, even if at first it felt bare, strange, like my security blanket was gone.  I also started buying whatever foods I wanted.  No more denial.  And I’ve noticed that I don’t go thru this cycle of denying myself the food, then eating the food to beyond fullness or enjoyment….then guilt…then repeat.  I’ve actually purchased foods and forgotten about them in my cupboard.  I’ve had a Milano Mint cookie, or two, and then been done.  We had a birthday cake for me at the beginning of this month, I had one piece, and then completely forgot about it until it started to get moldy (shocking!).  I’ve been passing on French fries, not because I “shouldn’t” or they are “bad” foods to eat, rather because I know I’ll literally feel heavy, weighty, and gross afterwards and I just don’t want to be weighed down like that.  I’m walking, swimming, training with the trainer and pilates because it feels good…not because I “have” to or “should”.  I even scheduled a 7 a.m pilates class on my birthday just because it seemed like a great way to kick off my 42ndyear!  While my weight loss has slowed down, I’ve got a healthier mindset going.  And I like it.  A lot.  
Portia goes down this road towards the end of her book.  After recovering from anorexia, she was then struggling with overeating as the other end of the pendulum of her unhealthy relationship with food.  She discusses “ordered” eating…listening to your body, eating when your body sends you signals it is hungry, not eating when your body sends you signals it is full, not restricting foods because they are “bad”, and eating for enjoyment, sustainment and health.  She says, “Obsessing about what and when to eat is not normal, natural, and orderly.  Thinking about food to the point of obsession and ignoring your body’s signals is a disaster”.  (how many of us can see some truth for ourselves in her quote??).  So she tried ordered eating.  She stopped overeating.  She stopped thinking about food.  She ate what she wanted, when she wanted, without restriction or feelings of “guilt”….and she stopped eating when she was full.  As every food, in whatever quantity, became available to her it freed her up to stop thinking about food and to just listen to her body.  She talks about moving her body for the sake of moving her body, feeling good, feeling her body’s strength, vs. “exercising”.  It has allowed her to maintain her weight without effort, thought, and obsession.
I can’t help but think that perhaps I was meant to read this book, at this point in my journey.  I’ve been worried that I’ve been secretly selling out on myself by giving up the conversation about my weight, giving up the chronic focus, discussion, and effort (burden!).  Now, just maybe, I’m actually getting in a healthier frame of mind which is perhaps the most important aspect of getting my body to a healthier state.  Maybe this past month has actually been allowing me to progress in my journey in an entirely unpredictable manner.  
We have a saying at UnitedHealth Group that is “go slow to go fast”, implying that proper planning, analysis, and thought on the front end actually allows to you to perform at an accelerated (and more effective) rate later on.  Perhaps I’ve been going slow in the area of my weight loss this past month, readying my mind for an entirely new lifestyle that will empower me to go fast towards the healthier life I’m creating for myself.  Perhaps.  Time will tell.  I CAN tell you, it’s been a lot less burden.  So we’ll see.        
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BATTER UP!

Posted by Heather, 09/08/2011 | Leave a comment
There is a saying that baseball is a game of statistics.  For those of you who may not know, I’m an avid baseball fan and a Minnesota Twins fan.  On a beautiful summer day, who doesn’t like outdoor baseball?!  My love of the game has really come from my husband’s love of the game, and that we use our season tickets as date nights.  When we were at the airport, heading to our wedding, I gave him a 20-game Twins season ticket package as a wedding gift, telling him that the tickets will last as long as the marriage…and if it doesn’t turn out for some reason, I get custody of the tickets.  It’s my little extra insurance policy!  But I digress…
Baseball is a game of statistics.  And when you think about it, all of the games we play have statistics.  Isn’t it much more fun to play HORSE than to just shoot baskets?  It’s it more motivating to time a run or measure the distance than to just run?  The statistics tell us how we are doing in our game.  
And while statistics don’t nearly tell the whole story, they are directional.  As Toby Harrah, who broke into the major leagues with the Washington Senators around the time I was born, once said:  “Statistics are like a girl in a fine bikini.  It shows a lot, but it doesn’t show everything”
So I got pretty nervous recently when my personal trainer said it was time to do my measurements to see what progress I’ve made in my sessions with her.  I knew that my thighs were a definitely thinner and more toned, as it was making my hips & butt look bigger.  I knew that my waistbands had a little more room.  And I could be imagining it, but I swear I can see a little definition in my “guns” that weren’t there before.  So I figured some progress had been made.  And yet I was a little anxious.  I didn’t want to be disappointed.  I started thinking about all of the woulda, coulda, shouldas.  I had a thought that perhaps I’ve been imagining the improvements and the numbers just wouldn’t hold up.
Lo and behold….we were all blown away by the stats!  Really impressive, yet healthy results!  I have done some serious replacement of fat with muscle!  And it helped to explain some of the stagnation of weight loss these past weeks.  So then I cut myself a little slack for the fact that the scale has shown little loss recently.  (then, as an aside, wouldn’t you know it, I lost a pound last week as soon as I gave myself a little room that the scale isn’t the only statistic to keep track of!).  
Now, many of you have mentioned to me the benefits of taking measurements and tracking “inches” lost.  So here is your chance, I’ll say it for you, “You told me so!”  
There really is something about keeping score.  If you don’t know the score, how do you know where you are at in the game?  And if you don’t know the score, how do you know when an adjustment of strategy is needed to win the game?  Statistics are a powerful tool in any game.  And yet it is also important to remember that statistics aren’t the actual game.  The statistics are the tracking mechanism of the game.  And while it could be easy to get unduly fascinated with the statistics, my approach is to enjoy the game….and use the stats to improve my game!
Batter up!
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